Change, no actually, the undeniable desire to change, made its first move by building pressure in my chest that was pretty hard to ignore. But when I think about it now, I realise that it came right on time, as I got very exhausted of my own crap.
And sometimes the simple desire to move on is enough to pull the thread and the whole woolen ball starts rolling out. Or a few in a row. Oh boy, the sheer panic that comes with it. Abort, abort!! One thing at the time, I beg, wishing at the same for that stupid need,that nonsense of having a personal makeover or whatever that I was doing to stop, be over, done, finished, its too hard, just let me be, stew in my own misery. But no, the chest pressure, and the knotted feeling in the stomach wouldn’t let me do it. And before I knew it I was barefoot walking that thin wire.
And although I kept going like magnetized – leaving yesterdays blues behind, swapping them for today’s joy that the Sun came out – I really didn’t see any progress until something provoked me to look back and I realised that the old me looked and felt a bit distant, almost unrecognisable in some aspects.
Ok, this is good you think, let’s play again. And it’s then, the moment after you feel that satisfaction, that the old wounds kick you again and kick even harder than before. Aiming to bruse you badly enough to make you stay down with no desire to get back to that thin wire, to the invisible ladder or whatever you were balancing your days on.
But relief eventually comes every so often, the struggle subsides making a room again for a tiny, often short lived satisfaction, but also for a new tiny piece of the horizon – a new segment of discovery of what you have been hiding from yourself for a long time. Eventually it becomes a game, a mutual understanding between you and you, that keep moving is the name of the game. You are making moves, that only you can notice and feel, while for the rest of the world you remain the same. Nothing changes around you for some time, until ‘suddenly’ things begin to be different outside, as well as inside. You change, life follows. Everything shifts to accommodate the inner posture you’ve now adopted to be yours and then you become it.
For better or worse, the game never ends. You never stop moving, you never stop growing, you never stop learning, striving or wanting and which direction it will take you to depends on the engine inside you. There are many engines that I recognise inside of me.. an engine that keeps me in the past, pulling me backwards, an engine of stagnation, an engine of unavailability, loneliness, prosperity, happiness, success, financial abundance ..and every single one uses the same fuel. Emotions. The fuel that is attached to every thought I think, every sight I see, every sound I hear, everything my fingers touch.
And I get to choose every moment of every day which engine fires up.
Easy or hard? Which engine is working right now?